Tales From... The Archive

The Theatre Daaaaarling!

I saw a play last night and I have to reluctantly admit that I enjoyed it. In fact I think I may have had a good time…who knew? I’m going to sound like a philistine, but generally I find the theatre pretty dull. In fact the whole experience leaves me cold.

For a start I can never get comfortable I always have too many bags and a huge coat and then I have to figure out how to stuff them under my seat and while I’m doing this several hundred people have to squeeze past me to get to their seats, or to get to the loo, or to get on my nerves! Then the play starts and….I’M BORED! The amount of times I’ve found myself sneaking a look at my watch 3 minutes in to the performance. Sometimes I’m so bored I find myself crying, people think I’m really connecting with the play, but actually I’m panicking that my inertia is so acute I might flat line before the intermission. How fast can an ambulance make it to Shaftsbury Avenue? Have you seen the traffic?

I also have a tiny bladder, which means that I need the loo as soon as I arrive at the theatre so I go,  but by the time I’ve climbed over 40 people to get to my seat my bladder is telling me I need to pee again. Yes I know it’s psychological, I know I don’t really need the toilet, but then that’s all I can think about! You’d think the performance would distract me! It’s then that I experience the real problem with going to see ‘plays’, they’re just so….theatrical. God if I know you’re acting how can I believe the story? Halfway through I want to shout, “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!” There’s only ever one person in the play that can actually act, the rest of the cast look like they’ve been taught to act by the cast of Hollyoaks. “Oh darling I can’t believe what’s happening, I’m ever so sad…” REALLY? Tell your face then! Maybe it’s the botox, if you’re an actor why would you botox your face? Surely having more than one facial expression is essential to ‘act.’ You don’t see cricketers botoxing their arms, “I was getting flabby arms, I can’t be seen at Lords with bat wings! So I botoxed them…yes I’ll admit I can’t bowl, catch or bat but look how good my triceps look?” Not bloody likely.

So, I think I’ve discovered the new clutured me, I do like the theatre I just don’t like theatres…or I do like the theatre I just don’t like bad actors…or I do like the theatre but I just need a catheta. I can’t wait to start liking art…


Posted on 28th January 2010


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