I’m not really into ‘stuff’ and by that I mean the kind of useless gear you’re expected to kit your house in: distressed furniture, Cath Kidston knick-knacks and annoying prints that tell you too ‘Keep Calm and Carry on.’

 I was calm; I was perfectly bloody calm until I was told to KEEP CALM in a shop full of crap and now I’m RAGING!

It is irrational how much enjoyment my girlfriend can derive from looking round a shop that essentially sells NOTHING YOU WILL EVER NEED EVER. Prints of badly drawn cats smoking cigarettes, chests of drawers that look like they need a lick of paint and garish plastic looking chandeliers that would make Liberace’s home look conservative. What is the point of all this tat?

We wander into these shops and I can feel my hackles rise immediately as my girlfriend picks up a ceramic owl and says, “This is great isn’t it?” “Why?” “It’s just lovely, we could put it in the bedroom.” “What for? What is its purpose other than to be one more thing I have to dust in the sodding bedroom!” Her pleasure at receiving a wooden letter C for her birthday (her name begins with C, yeah crazy…) was off the Richter scale in terms of excitement, SHE LOVED IT! If someone bought me a letter ‘J’ I’d question whether my friend a) didn’t like me or b) assumed I can’t spell. Both of which are reasons enough to throw the letter in the bin and never speak to my so-called ‘friend’ again.

In the spirit of pointless aesthetics my girlfriend has recently arranged all of our books. What’s wrong with that I hear you cry? Nothing in theory! Except that she hasn’t arranged the books by genre: e.g. Fiction, cookery, gardening, and non-fiction. No, she’s arranged them by COLOUR. Yes she has colour coded all of our books. So, when I go to find a particular book and I can’t find it I’m faced with this IRRITATING question, “What colour is it?” I HAVE NO IDEA! Why would I remember what colour Dostoyevsky’s Crime & Punishment is?… Ok, FINE! I was actually reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, it’s still foreign!

I don’t want you to think that I’m some kind of philistine when it comes to interior design (I am) and it’s not like I don’t like living in a nice flat with cushions that match the colour of the kettle ( I’m not lying, apparently these are things you HAVE to consider when living in an open plan flat) it’s just that…well… I don’t really CARE and pretending to have an opinion about whether to buy a polka dot coffee pot that doesn’t actually make coffee is exhausting. So, if you see me weeping in the corner of Ikea next weekend, just know that it’s nothing serious. I’ve probably just been asked if the bowls I’m carrying match the door mat in the kitchen. Oh and feel free to tell me what my opinion is…