Tales From... The Archive

Arrested Development

I’m not a grown up, at least I don’t feel like one. My inability to accept responsibility knows no bounds. I won’t even get a pet like a cat or a dog because that would require me to look after it.

 I can’t look after a living thing; I can’t hang on to a set of keys for longer than six months! I lose everything and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING. Wallet, phone, iPod, clothes, bags… if it’s portable and valuable I’ve lost it at some point. I have spent my life asking other people where my stuff is, as if it’s there responsibility. I still do it with my Mum, ‘Have you seen my keys.” “Where did you last have them?” “I DON’T KNOW! IF I KNEW THAT I’D BE ABLE TO FIND THEM WOULDN’T I?” “I think I saw them under your bed.” They’re not under my bed Mum, I’ve already looked.” “Jennifer I am telling you they are under your bed.” “They’re not under my bed, if they were under my bed I would have seen them so… Right FINE! You obviously don’t believe me so I’ll go and look!” Of course they’re under my bed. So like any mature person would do, I pick up my keys, hide them somewhere else and pretend they weren’t under my bed. “Well Mum, YOU WERE WRONG because they’re not there.” “Well I don’t know where they are then.” “Oh look, they were under this cushion! HOW DID THEY GET THERE? I told you they weren’t under my bed…” Yes I am that petty and pointless.

Unsurprisingly, I don’t have children. Ha ha. As if? No, but I have friends who do and they all seem to love them, their kids I mean. Yes they love their kids and they also love to tell me how fulfilling they are, “You get so much from having kids.” “Do you get 8 hours sleep every night?” “No” “I’m out then” Yes that may sound shallow, but I’m just being honest. My girlfriend however disagrees, she WANTS a baby! I’ve tried to explain to her that I don’t function particularly well with 8 hours sleep, how can I be expected to cope with a living-breathing thing that is incontinent, needs constant attention and frequently cries in public? AM I NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? Apparently when I do it it’s less endearing.

Maybe I need to get a gold fish or a worm farm or AT LEAST a pot plant. I’ve never looked after anything successfully, apart from my friend’s cactus for two weeks and to be fair it just perched precariously on my window ledge for the duration of her holiday with literally no interference from me. A recipe that has been successful so far in my interaction with almost any living thing.

People say to me and by people I do mean my Mum, “Jennifer you are 27! (ok 29…ok 31…for heaven’s sake I’m over 35 and lets leave it there) when are you going to GROW UPjQuery17206080918055152756_1338452515378” I think 2014 sounds like a good year – I’ll be a proper adult by then with financial security, a mortgage and dare I say it… a worm farm. I wouldn’t hold your breath though.

Posted on 15th September 2011


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