29/04/12 Tales From... The Archive

Anger Management (Part 1)


I had a conversation with someone recently who stated flatly, “I don’t do anger.”

I can’t remember my exact response but I seem to remember it was an angry one. What does that even mean? How can you not get angry? “Oh no!” he exclaimed without even a hint of irritation, “ I just don’t get upset, or riled about stuff, it would take a lot to make me angry…” Really? Because aside from this conversation, it takes me a paper cut, a tepid coffee or someone eating with their mouth open to send me into a tail spin. I don’t need to see your lunch SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Thank God I don’t have to commute because that’s a mental breakdown waiting to happen. People accidentally bumping into me, knocking my bag off my shoulder, elbowing my boob or standing on my foot without so much of an apology? Argh! I curse all of you aloud! “You bloody…arse… twat head….!” “Are you talking to me?” “No I’m talking to your mum!” So far in my life not a single conversation that has started like this has ended well.

It’s not that I like confrontation, it’s just my default reaction to any situation that doesn’t pan out exactly the way I want it to. I blame my family because they are some of the most confrontational people I have ever met. I can honestly say that 3 out of 4 conversations with a family member end in verbal abuse or a half nelson. There’s no in between. I wouldn’t mind but 9 times out of 10 it’s on a subject that no one has a single clue about! String theory, the war in the Middle East, the global economic crisis, we know everything there is to know and more. Why more? Because we have statistics! 80% of which we’ve made up on the spot including this one and the other two I mentioned earlier. Frankly I don’t know what world leaders are doing wasting their time on summits when they could just pop round to the Bristers on a Sunday night. After three bottles of wine, we have all the answers! Forget Wikipedia – you need Wikibrister!

This is why I don’t talk politics on stage, apart from the fact that I don’t know what I’m talking about, I can’t seem to make it funny, “…and another thing! What’s this about the Tories trying to dismantle the NHS? WHAT A BUNCH OF TOSSERS!” And the punchline is….oh no, there isn’t one.

That said, I shouldn’t complain about my family because if nothing else they’ve given me the very skills I need in order to do my job properly. Confidence bordering on delusion, the ability to blag my way through any situation and a healthy aggression when challenged publicly. I was either going to be a politician or a comedian. I think we should all be grateful for small mercies.

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