Tales From... The Archive

I’m not being funny but…

It has been drawn to my attention that on occasion, Ok on more than one occasion, Ok several occasions, that I’m actually quite annoying.

As if!

Do I look annoying..I mean….what the…? Alright maybe I am a bit. Apparently I have an extremely irritating habit of explaining something three or four different ways when the first time was sufficient. This has led more than one friend to shout, “You’re BORING me!” halfway through a bout of verbal diarrhoea. I have to explain to them that it’s not my fault, it’s actually genetic. There isn’t a single person in my family that has the ability to respond succinctly. There are times in conversation where I’ve had to get my sleeping bag and set up a drip because the story has gone on and on and on…I remember watching The Neverending Story as a kid and feeling disappointed that not a single member of my family was involved, just some kid on a flying Muppet.

I also manage to lose anything and everything, if it’s valuable or important I’ll lose it. Wallets, ipods, cameras, shoes…yes SHOES. I think I must be the only person that has bought two pairs of shoes and left them on public transport . I know what you’re going to say, that’s irritating for me but it doesn’t really affect anyone else. Wrong. I remember being asked to be a bridesmaid at my friend’s wedding. It was being held in Wales, so a group of us got a train up together. It was only when I arrived that I realised I’d left my bridesmaid dress on the station platform. Happy Wedding thingy!…what dress? You wanted me to wear a dress..? I don’t think I got the memo….is that no to jeans? Arse.

More recently my girlfriend has informed me of my most annoying habit, wait for it….I leave cupboard doors open. I never close them. I walk into a room open all the cupboard doors and then leave. To be honest I have ignored her nagging I mean objective observations for some time now. It was only when she decided not to close any of the doors I opened that I understood how irritating I really am. Every single door was open, including cupboards I have no reason to open, like my girlfriend’s for example….oh yeah and her Mum’s cupboards.

It was at that moment that I realised EVERYONE is annoying! In fact there are very few people who don’t irritate me. Women who put their make up on in public get on my tits, anyone who ends a sentence with, “You know what I mean…?” or starts a sentence with, “I’m not being funny but…” chances are you’ve never been funny mate and I’m sorry but if you’re eating chicken out of a box we can’t be friends. As for my lovely girlfriend, well she’s annoying too. Yes she is! For example I’ve never been in a car with anyone who has no idea how to use the gears. She’s in first when she should be in second, she takes corners in third and she never and I mean never uses fourth gear. What is that about? She also gets really upset if I mention she needs to go up a gear, she starts screaming something about ‘back seat drivers’ and what she’d like to do with them. Just so you know it usually ends with her running over my face repeatedly, stabbing me in the eye with a windscreen wiper or throwing me out of a moving vehicle at 70 miles an hour (probably in third gear). So I have to come up with new and innovative ways to get across what I’m saying without invoking her wrath. I’ll be honest with you they’re pretty ingenious, only the other day I was telling her about the time I came ‘fourth’ running the 60 meters sprint when I was 9 ( I actually came first but my egos not that big…still have the medal….) or how my favourite sitcom is Blackadder goes Fourth…yes FOURTH!!! She hasn’t cottoned on but then to be fair she hasn’t moved up a gear either.

So, I’m going to embrace my annoying habits and rename them as interesting quirks and I’m not being funny but that’s how it’s going to be from now on, you know what I mean?

Now where did I put that box of chicken?

Posted on 3rd February 2010


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